Mom guilt

I'll be vulnerable with you for a few minutes. It's not easy to talk about your shortcomings as a mother and it's equally hard to talk about your own perception of yourself as a mother. I read a quote on Pinterest the other day and it said

and I wanted to cry. Oh, okay, I did cry. And then I cried some more. Because that's how I feel a lot lately, like I am just constantly screwing up.

Sometimes I think rationally and say to myself "Sarah, the expectations you have are unrealistic, you are only one person and you can't do everything" and I feel a bit of relief.

Then that nasty voice whispers inside my head "Oh, I bet so and so could do everything. She's so put together and here you are, not even getting the dishes done" and then I fall into that cycle of doubt. 

It's not rational, but then again what about motherhood is rational? If we really thought about how hard this job is and what is put on us and what can potentially be put on us as our kids grow, a rational person would run away as fast as they could! No sane person volunteers to wipe butts and clean puke for years at a time, yet here we are! Because those sweet little squishy baby cheeks turns the most rational person into a "OMG look at those little cheeks I need to love them and kiss them" crazy person. 

I look at my kids and I see good kids. Yes, Asher could be reading better, Abby Kate has a bit of an attitude, and Amelia... well Autism is hard. And somehow, it's my fault. Anything that is not perfect about them, I blame myself. Maybe I need to be working with Asher more on reading... Maybe if Abby Kate got more one on one attention she wouldn't have an attitude... Maybe if I was healthier, didn't have to be medicated during pregnancy, had "wanted" to get pregnant with Amelia, then maybe she wouldn't be Autistic...

I know. I know in my head that I really do the best I can and that they are truly amazing human beings, but that doesn't stop that little voice from telling me it's all my fault and that I'm screwing up.

The worst part? I know this is normal. I know that most women reading this will nod their head and say "you said it sister" because they'll get why I feel this overwhelming guilt about everything that isn't perfect in my kids and in their little lives. I bet that even the "so and so" I spoke of earlier wonders if she's totally messing up her kids from time to time. 

Why do we do it to ourselves? We know that life isn't perfect, that no child is perfect, that we aren't perfect, so why do we beat ourselves up and feel guilty for things that we know aren't our fault?

Mom guilt takes away from the joys of motherhood. There are seasons where I feel like it has robbed me of my successes because I only see my faults. I sometimes, in my weakest moments, think my kids deserve better than me. Motherhood is hard. So damn hard. And I hate that we all make it harder on ourselves.

Stop. Stop thinking you're screwing up and look at those little faces. If they're amazing little people, that's because of YOU. You helped them become those amazing little people. Stop and see that... and then remind me to do it too. Let's stop letting guilt rob us of real joy, we deserve better.