I feel like a wrecking ball came through my life. I should know better than to plan things out in my head after getting our post-tubal surprise Amelia, but it's just a natural human thing to have a future plan laid out, right? Then something huge happens and that life you had in your head gets wrecked. I'm still just sitting here like, what am I supposed to do now?
Would it be weird if I wore an "under construction" sign around my neck? I feel like I should, so that when people see me they can know right from that moment that I'm working on something in me. I didn't think it would be this hard. Autism. Sensory Processing. Apraxia of speech. Special needs. I just didn't know.
I've been a mom for over 7 years now, and after having both a boy and a girl, having a third child seemed like no biggie. What could a third throw at me that I hadn't dealt with before? By the time we found out about our surprise I had been through 2 high risk pregnancies (thanks Hyperemesis Gravidarum) 3 deployments (gave birth during the second one), and a slew of crazy things that kids can throw at you when you're a mom by yourself more than with a partner. I figured that with hubby heading onto shore duty a new baby would be a cakewalk compared to what we had been through.
From early on she was different, but the professionals kept telling me everything was fine. So I thought I was failing her. It took until she was almost two for anyone to address what was going on. Then in the matter of a few months, we went from a speech delay to Sensory Processing Disorder and then to Autism. The apraxia isn't an official diagnosis because they're hesitant to do it before age 3, but I know it's coming. I've known it was all coming for a lot longer than I was willing to admit to myself. Moms know, but so much of the time we ignore that feeling. Maybe it's because people told me it was all okay, maybe it was because I didn't want to believe something was "wrong" with her, I don't know.
So a little over a month ago, a wrecking ball called "Autism" came in and smashed the life I had planned out in my head. Most parents don't talk about the mourning process because people are so judgemental about it. How selfish and awful do you think it feels to mourn when your child is right here happy and healthy, just different than what you had expected? I don't love her any less, anyone who knows me knows I adore her, but this isn't the life I had planned out in my head for her and I am allowed to feel the loss of that. My heart aches for her, because this means there is so much she's going to battle in her life. It's not about anything more than that. I mourn that she's going to have a harder life than I wanted her to have. Autism awareness and Autism acceptance aren't the same. We are all aware it is out there, but not many accept them the way our children deserve to be accepted. I'm getting used to some parts of this life, others not so much. Some days I feel like I can conquer the world with one hand behind my back, the next I want to hide away from the ugly truth that this world isn't built for her and she's always going to struggle through it. Then I see her smile, with that little dimple I can't resist, and I know that while it might not be the life I had built in my head, we can build something just as beautiful together. It might take longer, and it might be harder, but this life is under construction and it is going to be beautiful.
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